Making Peace With the Duality of My Experience: From the dimness of the labor room to the bright lights in the operating room

We appreciate first-time mom Emily for sharing her personal birth story and for her courage in recounting it. Congratulations on behalf of our doula agency on this sweet little one's arrival!

Friday August 2, 2024

August 2nd is my little sister’s and my birthday. Growing up, our birthday was always a big deal and cause for celebration in our house since we shared the same day and are very

close. We always say “five years apart but twins at heart.” When I found out I was pregnant and due late summer, everyone was convinced my baby would be born August 2 as well. My official due date (July 31) came and went, and I was starting to get anxious. On my birthday, I wished for a spontaneous start to labor. At my prenatal appointment earlier that week, I was told there was a high chance I would need to be induced at 41 weeks and I felt very discouraged. Deep in my heart, I trusted my baby and body and knew labor would start when it was time.

Saturday August 3, 2024

Around 11AM I was washing dishes and noticed some blood drip down my leg. I had never been so happy to see blood! I was 40 weeks and 3 days, and had been hoping and preparing for a spontaneous start to labor. My goal from the beginning of pregnancy was for a low-intervention, unmedicated birth. I wanted to avoid induction. I knew the blood was bloody show and that labor was coming (hopefully) soon. Throughout that day, I began to lose my mucous plug. I texted my doula Silvia and had a “normal” day. I went on a walk, did my birth prep exercises, cooked and ate dinner.

Around 8PM that night, I began to have contractions. They were period-like cramps and irregular. I watched a comedy movie with my husband, Sean. Around 10PM, the contractions

picked up and felt stronger. We reached out to Silvia who advised us to try to get rest. We tried, but the contractions intensified and I was unable to sleep. I even threw up at one point.

Around 1:45AM, we called Silvia and she recommended I start my coping techniques, so my husband supported me as I labored at home throughout the night. Sean helped me with some partner-assisted positions. I used the shower for hydrotherapy, I did pelvic exercises to help baby engage, and I labored over the toilet (dilation station) for a while.

Sunday, August 4th

After laboring at home for several hours, my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart, some contractions lasted over 2 minutes, and it was getting more difficult, so we headed to the hospital around 6AM. At triage, I was 2 cm dilated, 60% effaced, and baby was at -3 station. My water broke during the cervical check in triage and had some meconium. The contractions felt different and more intense in the hospital. I had a lot of lower back pain during each one.

My husband gave the nurses my birth plan and I was hooked to IV and the wireless monitor (which later had to be changed to the other electronic fetal monitoring due to poor connection). It was a bizarre day. The day of my labor, tropical storm Debby was passing through. There were sirens going off, a few power surges in the hospital, and I was told my blood work got lost due to the storm so the nurse had to redraw my blood.

Silvia arrived at 7:45AM, and we made progress quickly. She provided hands-on support and emotional support. We used abdominal tucks and lifts, hip squeezes, counter-pressure, the birth ball, the peanut ball, the birth comb, and essential oils to work through my labor. My contractions were powerful but I was coping really well. By 9:45AM, I was 4.5cm and almost fully effaced and baby at 0 station. After a few hours, around noon, I was 7cm dilated and 90% effaced. My baby girl was making her way down the birth canal. I stayed at 7-7.5 cm for the next few cervical checks.

There was one point during labor in the hospital, I threw up again and we believed I reached the transition phase. I felt I was so close. There were several times I thought to myself: “I can do it. I am doing this. I will have a fully natural, unmedicated birth.” Silvia said I was making active labor look easy. What a compliment from a doula! Overall I was coping well until I reached exhaustion from lack of sleep and nourishing food. I was on a clear liquid diet in the hospital and last ate real food on Saturday night at home. Before ordering the epidural, we asked for another cervical check because if I was complete, I was going to try to power through,

but again, I was still at 7.5 cm after many hours of laboring. My husband used the word “demoralized” to describe his observation of how I felt. My body was working so hard but I was getting discouraged.

After 22 hours of unmedicated labor and managing the contractions, I was exhausted and requested the epidural. I was dozing off in between contractions. I had run out of energy and stamina. At that time, I thought it was the best choice to allow me to rest a little bit before the pushing phase. The plan was to try to nap because I had no idea how much longer it would

take. This is when things took a turn.

At 6:15PM the epidural was placed, and I could still feel pressure in my lower back and my contractions were very strong and close together. Another cervical check and I was at 9.5cm, 95% effaced with a cervical lip, and I was not yet able to push.

Around 7:15PM, a group of hospital staff, including the pediatric team, suddenly rushed into the delivery room and I was given an oxygen mask and repositioned and rotated several times on the bed. It was such a blur. Machines were beeping and there was a frantic energy in the room, which was a juxtaposition to the rest of my labor experience in the dim, quiet room. I later told my husband it felt like an episode of Grey’s Anatomy or ER.

Within about an hour of the epidural being administered, I was going to be rushed into the operating room for an emergency c-section due to baby’s heart rate deceleration. They were concerned my baby’s heart rate was low for several minutes. The NICU team was on standby. I don’t know for a fact if the epidural caused my blood pressure to drop which affected her heart

rate, or if it would have happened regardless, but at this point, it’s not helpful to try to pinpoint and agonize over the reason. I can repeat I “should have” and “I shouldn’t have” but I did not know then what I know now. No one knew or could have predicted that would happen. The reason for my c-section is documented as prolonged fetal bradycardia.

As they were getting ready to wheel me to the OR, the OB came in and said he knew vaginal birth was important to me and asked me if I wanted to be checked one more time. I agreed. I was complete and put back on the monitor, which showed reassuring signs of baby’s heart rate. He told me I can try for an assisted vaginal birth. I asked what method, and he said he would have to use forceps to help my baby out. It was all so rapid and chaotic, but in that moment, I quickly chose the C-section route to avoid the risks associated with forceps, and I was terrified that we were running out of time. Reflecting back, I can say “my body did it.”

Though it was long and difficult, I successfully labored and reached 10cm. I also greatly appreciated that the OB cared, and I was given a choice, despite the two options not being in my original birth plan. “I have a voice and I have a choice.” That was one of my affirmation cards during pregnancy, and I felt it was true. Even on the way to the OR, I verbalized my needs and made requests. Though some were not able to be met due to the nature and urgency of the c-section, I definitely feel that I advocated for myself where I could. There was mention about fully sedating me because I could still feel pressure after the epidural, but I was able to get spinal anesthesia instead, so I was awake for the operation and able to hold my baby in the recovery room. I also remember being so thirsty and asking for water but obviously that is not allowed in the OR.

On Sunday August 4th, at 7:44PM my beautiful girl Anastasia Sofia was born healthy as can be at 7 lb 6 oz and 20.5 inches with an Apgar score of 9! While my birth plan did not go as planned, I got to go home after 2 days with my sweet baby girl. Though I felt immense fear when things escalated and I was told I would need an emergency c-section, I felt surrounded by love and supported by my husband Sean and doula Silvia the entire time. I remember looking to my left in the labor room when the medical team was calling for the c-section, and I saw them both there. I was afraid, but I was not alone.

Unfortunately, I had some complications after the c-section. Though my postpartum recovery has been difficult, my breastfeeding journey has been so redemptive. As my body heals and recovers, I am able to nourish my baby. For that, I am immensely thankful. I received a card in the hospital that said “I am at peace with the way my baby entered the world. I release the fears and expectations I felt during birth. I embrace motherhood with open possibility and joy.” Though I never imagined having a c-section and that this would be my story, it doesn’t take away from the 22 hours I went unmedicated. My labor and delivery and the first couple weeks postpartum were the hardest things I have ever done, but I am so proud of myself and in awe of everything my body has done to bring life into this world. I am filled with gratitude for my body, my support system, and my sweet Anastasia.

This wasn’t the birth story I ever thought I would write but ultimately it is my story. I have been upset that all my mental and physical work for my entire pregnancy did not result in the natural birth I had prayed, planned, and prepared for. However, I am coming to learn acceptance. From the dimness of the labor room to the bright lights in the operating room, I went through two very contrasting experiences of natural labor to a highly medicalized emergency operation. Birth can be unpredictable, but that doesn’t mean it is not sacred or beautiful.

Authored by Emily K, first time mom of Anastasia